Behind the M@sk

Tw-instant Family?

2010-06-15T21:40:00.004+10:00

I have been away from Blogger for a few reasons. A spammer has gotten hold of my blog and has hijacked the comments section. I then enabled comment moderation and for some reason lost my entire comments history. There goes YEARS of support and advice :( I've also changed my profile to private so when I comment on the blogs of others they generally don't know it is me still there cheering them on. I'll probably import to a new home and start again.

This post has been sitting in my drafts for a long time and helps explain where my head was at during my last post.

The decision as to what to do with our one remaining embie has been taken out of our hands. I got a call from my FS who then sent a consent form for its disposal. We were most likely going to transfer it "one day" mainly for closure and if it took, it took. Not expected though as we have transferred 10 frosties in the past and not 1 even attempted to implant.

My clinic is reviewing their frozen embryos for "multi-nucleated" ones. These embryo's are deemed not suitable for transfer as they have a very low chance of pregnancy and a very high likelihood of genetic abnormality. My clinics stance in the past has been to transfer these embryo's anyway as they believed they still had the likelihood to result in a viable pregnancy.

What annoys me the most is that they are labelling this as "new" research and knowledge when a quick google search shows medical journal articles from 1995(!) onwards indicating this. I now have to wonder how many of these types of embies I have wasted my time transferring in the past? I am in a few categories that can lead to more multi-nucleated embies such as a short stim period and a higher number of eggs.

We started IVF in our mid-20's and had great fertilisation rates of 14/15 and 11/11 so it was either a numbers game or the quality of what we were transferring was compromised. I guess we will never know for sure but I tend to think the latter.

The IVF chapter of our life is now closed. The toll of trying so long to get pregnant, to stay pregnant and not having take home babies isn't something I wish to put myself through again. My husband doesn't get it. I don't want to put my girls through that either. The emotions that go along with it all aren't pretty and I want to give them 100% of me. We still have huge debt from our past IVF and related operations anyway that I do not wish to add to.

I think my body has shut up shop anyway. I no longer have ANY type of cycle to speak of.

I wont ever do anything to prevent a pregnancy but don't have any expectations of it happening naturally. You need to release eggs for that to happen and you know, have the sex.

Once a bitter and twisted infertile?

2010-04-28T22:36:00.005+10:00

It seems that everywhere I look I am confronted with a baby bump. The grocery store, mall, local parks - you can't get away. I don't know why I am still so aware of these things or why it even bothers me so much. I asked DH if he had noticed there was no escaping them and he hadn't. I'm not sure as to whether it is my inner infertility beast still hard at play or the fact that my long awaited for, hard earned pregnancy was primarily spent lying horizontal.

I didn't get to stroll around the lake holding my husband's hand with the other resting on my stomach. I wasn't able to transport my bump around publicly in a quest to find the prefect items to decorate my nursery. I still haven't had time to do their room. Our "babymoon" was cancelled via doctors orders the day before we were due to fly out. At 25 weeks I was told to stay in bed and to not leave the house. No sex, no baths, no housework. Not to mention my first trimester also spent in bed whilst a subchronic hematoma exited my uterus as messily and painfully as possible. The time in between I actually was allowed to leave the house I would almost crumple onto the supermarket floor with dreadful back spasms. A simple journey for milk and all I wanted to do was to lay down on the cold tiles, curl up and cry.

My girls are here and that is more than I could ask for but why wasn't I given the opportunity to experience a normal and natural conception, pregnancy OR birth? Seeing so many strolling around all la-di-da. Do they even realise how lucky they are? I will never know if my body is just as shit at pregnancy as it is at conception or if it just couldn't handle the impact of a multiple pregnancy. I'm not game enough to tempt fate to find out.

Enough already

2010-02-14T22:38:00.005+11:00

The infertility beast plagues blogland and for every couple that gets their long awaited for BFP there is another couple diagnosed.

Another evil player is also becoming far too prevalent in blogland. Cancer.

Spending years with blogger friends, sharing the arrival of your precious bundles, only to be followed by the diagnosis of a fatal illness (like cancer) is fucked up.

Every day I tell my girls how much I am looking forward to watching them grow up. It's not fucking fair.

Most recently Louise has received some horrible, heart breaking news.

Please go over and send her some support.

Twenty Ten

2010-02-05T22:49:00.009+11:00

Every day I get my eyes gouged out, hair pulled, throat slashed, lips ripped off, and yet I couldn't be happier. Why does everyone say that their nails are so soft they will fall off by themselves or to just gently peel them off. My embryos must have been mixed up with Freddy Krueger's or Edward Scissorhands. Those suckers have always been hard and sharp.

This year I was to go to uni to do my Graduate Diploma in Education. A week before enrollment I pulled out. With the pregnancy bed rest and newborn twins it's been well over a year since I have visited the hairdressers. If I haven't had time for a haircut how the hell am I going to fit in a full time course load? We have zero baby sitters. The girls are too young. They need me. I need them. Even DH isn't ready to be left alone with them. I am exhausted.

This development means that I am now a full-time SAHM until... something I never thought I would be. What do I do with myself? What do I do to keep the girls entertained now they are at an age they need more stimulation? How do I get motivated to start taking responsibility for the cooking and cleaning?

I am tired. I am the biggest I have ever been. The multiple pregnancy, months of bed rest and cesarean have totally destroyed my body. I have just started intensive physiotherapy and come home black and blue. I'm also about to start Pilates as to put it simply, I don't have the strength in my back to hold my girls.

Here are my precious bundles plotting their next attack:

It's all about me

2010-01-25T23:09:00.016+11:00

It always upset me when fellow bloggers stopped commenting once they had success. They still read but said that it didn't feel right to comment anymore. I never understood that and missed hearing their thoughts.

Having had success myself I now do. I get scared when leaving comments of support, especially for those who don't know me or my history, that they will click on me in a fragile state and stumble across a mother of twins blog. Saying I can relate entirely to what a childless, infertile couple is saying just doesn't seem right anymore.

I will never, ever forget what I have been through but I can't say that having children hasn't softened the blow of infertility and needing assisted conception.

A friend stated that life after infertility to her is like living in limbo. I can relate to that. You join a mothers group and listen to how they cried during their entire pregnancy as it wasn't planned. Or how they are pregnant again a few months post birth. You still don't feel comfortable liaising with the typical fertile community.

Then there are your friends who have been your rock over the countless amount of years you all struggled to conceive. Most of whom you originally met through an online community. You have to let some of them go as you no longer share the same level of pain and anger they do. Your new family of four is poles apart from painfully still ticking the married with no children box. The reality is that not everyone can have kids. It's selfish to force them to stay in contact with you.

Your friends of the future are just too damn fertile and your friends of the past can't overcome the infertility bridge that you managed to cross.

I haven't felt comfortable blogging about my girls like we are any other ordinary couple. I still feel like a parenting fraud. Every day I look at them and say to DH "Holy shit, there are two of them". When did we go from two to four.

One of my major fears about IVF was actually getting pregnant. I was worried that I would then be left with the only child scenario. I've seen beautiful friends go through secondary infertility with their child constantly asking when they would be getting a sibling. It breaks my heart to think of. I have twins. I have escaped this pain. If we were to transfer our remaining frostie I would be TTC #3!!! That sounds ridiculous. How could I rightly rejoin the infertile community going for number three.

Over the years a few people online have spewed out the old "secondary infertility is worse than primary infertility as you know what you are missing out on". That is complete bullshit. Thinking you are never going to have kids cannot compare.

This post has gone in an entirely different direction in which I intended so I think I should just stop there. My titles no longer makes sense. I will be back with a post dedicated entirely to me, lol.

Say Cheese!

2009-12-22T21:11:00.008+11:00

A few days ago I realised that Christmas was only a week away so got off my fat butt and took the girls to see Santa.

They were due for a nap and didn't even look at Santa once. They passed out in their pram straight after.

Despite the blue I promise you they were not on Santa's spaceship.

I'm quite happy with it as at their age it would be a fluke to get them both smiling anyway.

5.5 months old!

2009-12-16T22:04:00.000+11:00

I always hated people telling me that it gets easier as that didn't help the now. But guess what, it does. At 3 months the girls started sleeping through the night - 12hrs straight. They had been sleeping 7.5hrs 7pm-2.30am with a call out in which we would find their wraps up around their necks and over their faces. We would feed them and then when they woke for the day at 6/7am they were only having about 60mls. Looking back it's so obvious they were ready to sleep through. It happened as soon as we put them in Grobag's - love 'em!!! 2 months on and they are still sleeping through the night. I was concerned as this cut them down to just 4 bottles at such a young age but my Nurse and Paed. didn't mind as long as they continued to put on weight.

I am also starting to get some unbroken sleep now. We've had 5 months of me waking up screaming ever half an hour "there's a baby in the bed, there's a baby in the bed!" as I rip off all the blankets. Sometimes we both jump up looking for the girls and wonder were the hell they have gone. We peek in the nursery and find them fast asleep. They must have put themselves back to bed as we sure as hell didn't remember doing it.

A few weeks ago the girls hips were reviewed and *L* is now brace free during the day. Her legs are like spaghetti. *A* is still in hers fulltime. Our next review is in a month in which we hope *L* will be out of hers completely and *A* nights only. Apparently they catch up to their peers within a few months. I can't wait to see them rolling around.

We trialled them off the reflux meds but they started screaming in pain again especially when placed on their backs. Brought back memories.

Almost 6 months - where has the time gone?!

My digital camera broke and my mobile won't let me transfer photos for some reason but I promise I will post some as soon as I can.

Hippy Hippy Shake

2009-10-10T18:56:00.004+11:00

We met with the girls Orthopaedic Surgeon yesterday. The hip braces have been on for 4 weeks now and the scan showed some improvement. We are now allowed to take the brace off to give them quick baths but other than that it is still to stay on full-time. Our next appointment and scan is in 6 weeks time and *fingers crossed* it will then only be worn at night which I am guessing means somwthing like 12 hours 6pm-6am...

I really missed giving the girls proper baths. We gave them one last night for the first time in a month and my goodness they have grown! They completely filled up the plastic bath tub.

The girls are very kind to us with their routine and have recently dropped a night-time feed. I was worried that they wouldn't make up this feed with their others as the amount they were eating didn't increase but their tummies seem to be slowly stretching to allow for the increase.

They are still demand fed but are very predictable with their feeding times so that pretty much gives them and me a routine to work with:

6.00am - Feed, up 1.5 hours
Sleep, 2.5 hours
10.00am - Feed, up 1.5 hours
Sleep, 2.5 hours
2.00pm - Feed, up 1.5 hours
Sleep, 2 hours
5.30pm - Bath, Feed, up 1.5 hours
7.00pm - Bedtime
Sleep, 4 hours
11.00pm - Feed, up 1 hour
Sleep, 6 hours

To spice things up sometimes they like to start the day at 5am. They both love their sleep but only in their cots. They hate sleeping in the pram but I suspect it is due to the uncomfortable metal bar under their butt.

Pics

2009-09-18T23:57:00.005+10:00

The girls are 11 weeks today and I thought I would post a couple of fairly recent pics.

Girls with their sexy new hip braces:

Thankfully found a way to still wrap them around the brace so they will sleep and not flap around all day and night:

Sadly had to pack away all their suits and other items of clothing they will never have a chance to wear due to the brace:

I forgot to mention on my last post that my milk never came in. Even on bloody Motilium.

Update on the girls...

2009-09-15T19:50:00.005+10:00

The girls are now 10 weeks old or 5 weeks corrected. To be honest things have been pretty tough.

Both have bad reflux and have had to be medicated. Zantac and Infant Gaviscon didn't do a thing and they are both now on Losec. The inconsolable screaming has calmed but feeding and settling/sleeping due to the painful rising acid is still an issue that bothers them (rightly so). I have spent a fortune on various bottles and teats as they were screaming at them and wouldn't drink. Due to the reflux they have absolutely no floor time as it just causes them too much pain (and vomitting).

Colic has also hit but we have found that Infacol and Infants Friend provide them some relief. Hopefully they will grow out of this soon.

Have also been going to the Chiropractor every week as they quite obviously greatly favoured one side of their neck and were going to develop permanent flat spots on their head. They seemed physically incapable of using the other side but their range of movement has now greatly improved and they can turn to both sides. Mirror image, L could really only turn her head to the left and A to the right.

Lastly they both have dislocated hips, again mirror image L the right and A the left. They have both been fitted into a hip brace with fingers crossed that they can be treated without the need for surgery. We are looking at 12 weeks in the brace (and then the weaning process) but if it fails they will be upgraded to a harness and if that fails then surgery. Life is about making them as comfortable as possible.

Both seem to be developing at their adjusted ages and are still very small and fragile.

As if being a parent of multiples isn't hard enough. I feel like they can't seem to get a break. Just need to wait for all of these things to correct with time...

Hospital Day 13

2009-07-16T00:04:00.018+10:00

Day 13 - 12 days old - 36w6d

Today the girls were transferred out of the SCN to Pediatrics. The thought of my premmie babies in a ward with sick children was a little scary. This is a huge step as all we are working on now are their feeds. Their room also has a flip out sofa so I can bunk in with them overnight.

The SCN was operating at full capacity and the bottle fed babies are usually the first to be shipped out as I can't rock up and pull out my boobs to feed them so this creates staffing issues having to take the time to bottle feed them in my absence. No doubt they are also given preference for other reasons too...

The girls have their own room and it looks so lonely. After being in a busy SCN with staff abundance they are now in separate big girl cots and left alone other than when they are due for a feed.

From here:

To here:

SCN Day 12

2009-07-14T17:47:00.009+10:00

SCN Day 12 - 11 days old - 36w5d

Today the girls came off their apnea monitors so no longer have any machines connected to them. My Pediatrician is on leave this week but the one filling in left instructions that the girls drop their amount of NGT feeds in an attempt to be bottle fed all of their feeds now.

The SCN is extremely busy and has been trying to transfer us to the Private Hospital we were originally booked in to deliver at. My original hospital however is also fully booked. I really don't want the girls continuity of care interrupted (would be the same private Pediatrician looking after them but different Nurses/Midwifes). This hospital doesn't have a SCN so staff would have to be rostered on specifically to look after the girls and administer their NGT's. Thankfully my Pediatrician has left specific instructions that my girls are not to be transferred whilst she is away.

The SCN has been so good to us and I know my girls as exactly where they need to be. They also let the parents be very hands on. We get to do all the cares - temperature taking before every feed, nappy changes, bathing, etc.

I have 5 different lactation consultants riding my back about my low milk supply. Their suggestions are really helpful - instead of expressing every 3 hours 8 times a day, express every 2 hours 12 times a day. Bullshit. I don't know if the cause is the stress of not having take home babies, my diet and water intake suffering as I sit with my girls all day long in the SCN, or my bloody PCOS. I'm so sick of feeling like I have to justify my low milk supply everyday like I am doing something wrong. I've started to push the PCOS, hormonal imbalance, angle on them and have been advised to now seek medication to increase my supply.

I had always assumed that breastfeeding was something that came easily and naturally. I enjoy the feeling of breastfeeding, even though it makes me feel like I am going to fall asleep and sometimes a 1800g baby can get a little lost and slippery in the football hold. It's amazing how you can be so determined to work on something that you forget about the one hundred other people in the room that you are flashing your headlights at.

It's getting harder and harder to leave the girls of a night time. They stare at me wide eyed accusingly as I leave :(

SCN Day 9

2009-07-11T21:42:00.012+10:00

SCN Day 9 - 8 days old - 36w2d

Last night I finally cried. I'd been watching all the other SCN mothers break down and become emotional around the 3 day mark. I asked David if the girls were really ours and wanted to know if they would ever be coming home. Not having a "release" date or time frame to work with was the hardest for me. How quickly they develop their sucking reflex wasn't something that could be predicted.

Yesterday the SCN asked my permission to bottle feed during the night if the girls were demanding as it was noted that they had been lately. They took their first bottle during the night. I was extremely happy to hear this but then cried again when I was told that both of the girls had oral thrush. I have no signs or symptoms of nipple thrush but was told that we all have to be treated simultaneously.

My milk supply is absoloute shithouse. I express with my electric pump every 3 hours for 1/2 hour for the sake of 10-20mls. I have tried 4 different brands/types of electric pumps and all yield the same result. If I attempt to breastfeed in the 2.5 hours I am not attached to a pump I am a completely dried up well and can't even hand express anything onto their lips. I have been keeping them on there anyway to keep up the breast contact and stimulation.

The SCN really err on the side on caution when it comes to feeding amounts and my girls, as well as other neighbouring babies, have had some pathetic weight gains due to insufficient feeding quantities. A 5g weight gain over a 2 day period wasn't an uncommon occurance. Thankfully when the feeds were increased accordingly the girls were back on track pull 60g or 90g over 2 days.

SCN Day 7

2009-07-09T21:33:00.012+10:00

SCN Day 7 - 6 days old - 36w0d

Got a fantastic surprise today. I walked in to the SCN to find that the girls had been moved from the back little intensive care room to the "normal" SCN section :D

My Pediatrician is extremely happy with them saying they are doing so very well, more like one week ahead of their age, but are so very, very small. They dropped the full 10% of their body weight and got down to 1800g and very barely make their "corrected" age graphs.

After still having no colostrum to express (obviously I gave the SCN permission to formula NGT feed the girls) my milk came in today. I had no idea as there has been no physical changes in my breasts (still large, soft and saggy) but after my morning shower I noticed drops of water falling onto the floorboards as I was getting dressed. I finally have a use for the electric breast pump I had purchased other to purely stimulate and hope for milk production one day.

The only physical change that occurred was a scary one a few days ago. The night I was discharged from hospital I noticed in the shower that I no longer had anything that resembled legs, ankles or feet, but large stumpy elephant feet (yes you did warn me you know who). Nothing prepared me for that. David and I freaked out. I've had to deliberately wear slippers out in public ever since.

Hospital Day 4

2009-07-06T21:30:00.027+10:00

SCN Day 4 - 3 days old - 35w4d

Last night I had one of the nurses from the SCN race into my room and tell me that the girls were demanding. I had no idea what they expected of me as my milk hadn't come in yet and I had been unable to squeeze out even one drop of colostrum for the past few days and all the midwifes claimed they were too busy to assist me. It was explained that this was to establish breast contact and that the girls would be fed down the tube at the same time. Previously we had been told to get the girls a pacifier to develop their sucking reflex to associate sucking with a full tummy. My tiny girls did nothing but open their mouth whilst I shoved my boob in and stay there wide mouthed not knowing what happens next.

Later that night the night duty nurse saw that I was awake and came in with my discharge papers (less than 72 hours post birth) so that in the morning all they had to do was change the locks on my door. Bloody ridiculous for a cesarean if you ask me. I was originally told I would be there for 5 days.

I had my breakfast and went in to see the girls. The day nurse came running in after me telling me that she was packing up my room and putting my stuff in a cupboard somewhere. The way I was treated by the hospital was bullshit, including the feral meals I vomitted up every night and missed doses of meds. 12 hours overdue is not good enough. I also wasn't ready to leave my girls yet.

Our Paediatrician came to see the girls (as she does every day) as we were on our way out to take my rooms contents home. So far the girls jaundice levels haven't had to be treated but she said that they were looking particularly orange today and not to be surprised if we came back to find them under the phototherapy lights. To expect it actually.

Having been on complete bedrest for the last few months we stopped by the local shopping mall on the way home for lunch and a browse. An hour later I realised I was out in public with my slippers on and hospital ID wristbands on full display.

That night we returned to the girls to find that not only had their jaundice levels come back fine again but they had also graduated to an open twin cot and their only wirey friend was a little apnoea monitor. Plus of course their NGT's. The Pediatrician suggested that we stop using orange muslin wraps, lol.

Hospital Day 1

2009-07-03T21:00:00.021+10:00

SCN Day 1 - O days old (birth day) - 35w1d

Conditions we are facing: prematurity, small for gestational age, hypothermia, hypoglycemia, jaundice and clicky hips.

David went straight to the SCN with the girls whilst I was being stitched up and taken to recovery. Baby "L" had oxygen blowing on her as they were pushed there. Both were stabilised, wrapped in bubblewrap for their hypothermia and put in incubators. The nursery has a small separate intensive care section for the sickest babies which is where our babies were placed for close observation.

The incubators were on separate sides on the room so David was pacing back and forth looking in on them. L spent the night grunting. My Mum and MIL were allowed in to see them. I was trapped in my room during this, and for the rest of the night, wondering how they were going and what Baby "L" looked like.

At 9am (8 hours post birth) I was put in a wheelchair and taken to see my babies. They had so many wirey friends attached to them but were tiny and perfect. The poor things were getting their feet pricked and blood taken every hour. They really didn't like that.

We were told to expect to have them home in 4 weeks time.

The girls both got their Dad's B+ blood group so I was the recipient of another Anti-D shot. I also had my iron levels tested as I had lost more blood than they like post birth. Apparently my iron levels were borderline during pregnancy which would have been good to know. The vampire who took my blood asked me when I was due. Not too offensive when you have only just given birth to twins that same day.

Birth Story

2009-07-03T09:00:00.045+10:00

Thursday, 2nd July 2009 - Friday, 3rd July 2009
35w+0d - 35w+1d

I'd been home for a few days now and as per my OB's instructions started exercising my legs a little after 9 weeks of being too scared to move on complete bedrest. Tonight I squatted at the oven to put my dinner in and then wondered how the hell I was ever going to get back up. I also went to the nursery and flipped the cot mattress over because David had the waterproof side facing down. I guess I will never know if I overdid things.

I layed down in bed at around 9.30pm (on David's side ;) ) to relax and watch television and suddenly GUSH! I left huge puddles all over the floorboards until I could grab a towel. I immediately checked the colour thank goodness it was clear. My bulging waters had finally given out.

First I called Mum and told her to come over and drive me to the hospital (this was the plan all along). All she had to say was that she was in her nightie so I asked if it were at all possible that she could get dressed and get me as soon as possible. Uh, okay then. I then called David at work and asked him to meet me at the hospital. Next was my OB to give him a heads up that I was heading to hospital and then the actual hospital to tell them I was on my way as an unbooked patient. They asked if I was sure I hadn't just wet myself. No. I told them about my cervix effacing and dilating since the second trimester and they told me to come straight in.

Knock, knock. I open the door to MIL and SIL!!! MIL said don't panic, grabbed my hospital bag and said let's go. I said, Uh... I'm not worried, I'm just waiting for my Mum to pick me up :S WTF??? David had called them. I didn't want them at the birth!!! That's not the plan :( What the hell had David told them?

Soon after Mum arrived and we got going. MIL and SIL followed in their car. I don't think Mum could have possibly driven any slower. Thankfully I didn't have any contractions. I then went to text message Geohde to tell her that I was on the road but after hearing her beautiful voice on her message bank realised that I had pressed call rather than text so gave up on that idea.

I asked Mum to drop me off at the Emergency Department doors. As we were driving up the entrance to the ED Mum saw someone she knows on the footpath and wound down her window and called out to them. I asked her to keep going and to let me out. I am yet to figure out her thought processes. I then realised I had just eaten a heap of blue lollies and was presenting with blue teeth and a blue tongue.

I waddled in to the ED with a towel between my legs. Everyone in waiting room looked stoned. I stood at triage for about 10 minutes whilst the staff pretended they didn't see me and continued to chat amongst themselves. I told them that Midwifery had instructed that I be sent up to them in a wheelchair. They told me that they doubted that they would be able to find one and told me to walk. I insisted on a wheelchair as the Midwife had told me not to take no for an answer. I got my chair and was wheeled up. The clan of DH, Mum, MIL and SIL follow. Ridiculous.

Since I wasn't booked in to this hospital (mine doesn't take anyone under 36wks) there was a bit of paperwork to go through. They checked that I hadn't just peed my pants. I have worn panty liners for the majority of this pregnancy and they peeled it off and ridiculed me as if I had put in on the catch my waters. I was then strapped with two dopplers to check the heartbeats.

My OB arrived and did an internal. It bloody hurt and he acted like I was being a big sook. With my history I am used to being poked and prodded down there but this was different. He said due to the way I was acting from the internal (like I couldn't handle pain) and since Twin A had her arms and hands wrapped around her head and over her face that he recommended I have a cesarean. I agreed since it sounded safest considering her position also since I hadn't had any contractions and couldn't see an end. They checked with the SCN if they had 2 free beds first and thankfully we got the last 2 bumping them up to full capacity.

I was taken to the operating theatre with David whilst my groupies were told to get out of the elevator and to go back to the waiting room. My goodness, this party is invitation only people! I was given an epidural and had the best birthing experience ever. It was so quick and painless. With a medical team of around 15 in the room I felt safe that my babies and I were in good hands.

Twin A arrived easily at 12:49pm - 1965g, head 31cm, length 43cm. They held her up and she was screaming. Phew. APGARS 8 & 9. Twin B had to have her waters broken and be manoeuvred down. She arrived breech at 12:52pm - 2060g, head 31cm, length 43cm. APGARS 4 & 8. As they held her up they said here she is, she is a bit floppy. She looked lifeless. No crying. She needed resus. I watched to my left as they put her on a ventilator and an eternity later I heard a little cry.

Twin A was wrapped and layed down next to me as I was being stitched up. This scared the crap out of me as I was worried she would fall off the table. The girls were then whisked off to the SCN with David following them as I went to recovery. I was told that the bottom of the placentas had met and joined up.

I recovered quickly and was taken to my room. Going past the waiting room I saw that another BIL and SIL had also joined the party. I can only assume that they were there to pick up SIL leaving my Mum and MIL.

I was told that I wouldn't get to meet my girls until 9am. I didn't sleep for the next 8 hours.

Happy birthday baby girls 03/07/2009.

They're HERE!

2009-07-03T07:20:00.003+10:00

Oh the outside.

Can we have a birthday party on the blog please?

It's Geohde here, Mrs M's fellow antipodean blogger. I'm passing along the blog break and enter good JuJu that the divine Mz Topcat did for me when I exploded multiple babies at once (geepers, nearly a YEAR ago?).

Regardless, this is not about me. It's about a newly expanded family of four, and I'm so happy to bring the news to you all.

Since I've given the game away in the title, I'll start with the big news: The girls are here. Born by c-section overnight and all are doing well. They're around 2kg each.

After such a nail biting ride, with the threat of imminent delivery so long ago, I couldn't be happier for the new family. Well done to the new Mama for all those weeks looking at the world horizontal, it paid off in spades!

I'll save the names and updates until I'm sure if it's okay to post them, but for now everybody is out, healthy and perfect :)

So very happy for everybody,

xx

G

35 Weeks

2009-07-02T13:59:00.008+10:00

Sorry for the absence.

My OB said that I am now free to exercise my legs a little more so David and I moved back home. I am still confined to the house and the same rules - no housework, sex, baths, etc. - plenty of rest and feet up as much as possible, but I can be mobile around the house whenever I need anything.

Easing up on the bedrest wasn't possible at MIL's since I was isolated from the rest of the house by a flight of stairs. Exercising my legs with a staircase wasn't something I was willing to attempt. I can now also shower without having to wait for David's assistance since the shower over there was located over a large corner spa I practically had to pole vault to get in to.

My OB has also given my girls an eviction date for 37w5d. So either way my girls will be here within 19 days - eek! The plan is to attempt a VB if I go into spontaneous labour and only if deemed the safest option. If I were to reach eviction day it will be a C/S as I am not comfortable with attempting an induction with twins.

* BOO *

2009-06-25T12:00:00.007+10:00

34 weeks today.

I can now deliver at my local Public hospital which has a high level SCN and is only located 15 minutes away. Visiting the babies will be so easy now. Another bonus is that my OB has admission rights to this hospital so assuming he is not off sunbaking at a tropical island somewhere or too busy playing golf as they say, he should be at the birth.

The Private hospital I am booked into just 30 seconds over the road wont accept you unless you are 36 weeks +. In the scheme of things the whole public vs. private hospital stay is irrelevant as long as my babies are getting the best standard of care. Having my own room and bathroom with David being allowed to sleep over during my stay would have been nice though.

After being on high alert for 2 months for any little sign of contractions or ruptured membranes I am now in denial that I actually have to give birth to these babies. Can't David do it for me?

I am 50/50 on the whole VB vs. C/S for a twin delivery. I told my OB that I am fine with him doing whatever is safest at the time under whatever circumstances we are facing. I have a new issue now though and please cover your eyes as it is a little TMI......... I have prolapsed hemorrhoids that I just can't seem to treat and get rid of. I guess the weight of twins just keeps pushing them out. I told my OB that I was worried my five or so will turn into five thousand if I attempt a twin VB. Anyone got any advice on this lovely topic?

33 Weeks

2009-06-18T13:23:00.003+10:00

Just checking in to say that I am still here.

Making it to 33 weeks was beyond my wildest dreams.

I am going a little crazy though after 7 horizontal weeks.

Cruisin' Together

2009-06-16T14:13:00.008+10:00

I saw my OB yesterday. He said that it was time for my 34 week Anti-D injection. I wish I was 34 weeks! I told him that we were still 1.5 weeks off that shot. I saw him in a different office to normal so he didn't have all my records, lol.

He once again congratulated me on doing a fantastic job at getting this far. The scan report showed no significant changes. Normal growth in the babies and no increased dilation of the cervix, yeah! He didn't tell me how much but also said that I have a bit of cervix left from the shortening (3 weeks ago it was 1.36cm). I was warned to be extremely careful though as Baby A's head is pushing down really hard and low.

I told him that I understand there are no guarantees but asked if it were at all possible I would last 1.5 more weeks to reach 34 weeks and deliver locally. He said that it's possible but that anything can still happen and told me about another patient this week whose bulging membranes ruptured at 27 weeks, :( poor thing really hope they are doing OK. That could have been me so I guess wanting to deliver locally is a little greedy in the scheme of things when I am so very lucky to get this far.

I'm not going to pay much attention to my OB and his fluctuating tape measure anymore. My fundal height is now back to 40cm and my waist is up to 110cm. Here is a pic of me at 32 weeks. My massive saggy boobs are resting on and covering the top of my stomach. I have to lift them up so my OB can measure the top of my uterus.

Another Scan

2009-06-12T13:33:00.007+10:00

The u/s clinic recently got new machines so I found the scan a little confusing at times.

My girls are estimated around the 1800g mark so are just hitting 4pounds. They did the usual twin thing at 30 weeks with their combined weight gain slowing to thereon equal to the weight gain of a singleton.

The cervix scan now shows sideways on the screen so initially I had no idea what was going on but thought the presenting baby's head looked a weird shape and size until the Dr. laughed and said "that is me in there!" Ewww. I'm glad my baby does not resemble a dildo-cam.

I won't know where my cervical measurements now stand until I see my OB on Monday but I was told that Baby A's head is pushing right down against my internally dilated cervix so the waters aren't badly bulging out like they were. I guess her head is plugging up the hole more now.

I am a little disappointed as I was hoping for some answers today about how effaced and dilated I am now. I also didn't even get a new photo or to see them in 4D again.

The good news is that unlike my previous visits he didn't say that he was faxing the report straight over to my OB and that I needed to phone him to discuss the results.

32? Really?

2009-06-11T12:00:00.003+10:00

I have hit 32 weeks.

Growth + cervix scan tomorrow to see how effaced and dilated I am now. Hopefully the girls have reached the 2kg mark.

31w5d OB Appointment

2009-06-09T17:28:00.008+10:00

Sorry for the gestational age post titles. Ticking another day off is all that has been keeping me going and I am so happy to be able to see this much of the third trimester and to be able to type those numbers. The past 6 weeks have been spent googling survival rates, likelihood of disabilities, NICU information, average fetal weight charts and birth stories/journies for premmies born at XXwks. I've tried to prepare myself as much as possible. I've visited family in the SCN before but NICU was new territory for me. Although now I'm heading for SCN territory.

I saw my OB today and he was beaming to see me still with child/s. My fundal height is now 40cm (1cm growth in 2 weeks doesn't seem like much) and waist now measures 106cm (was 107cm 3 weeks ago?). Weird. I also haven't put on any weight for a few months now. I hope I'm not doing anything to cause the babies to be smaller than necessary.

My OB reconfirmed that I need to hold the babies in until 34wks (another 16 days) to be able to deliver locally and not be transported to a city level 3 hospital. I know that my babies will receive the best of care in the city but am unsettled about the ambulance ride and being so far away from my babies when I am discharged.

31 Weeks :D

2009-06-04T18:54:00.018+10:00

31 weeks today! I have noticed a huge weight has been lifted from no longer being in the micro premmie zone. I have no idea how I have gotten through the past 5 weeks of bedrest but somehow I have. My girls will inevitably come early but I have a faith that all will be OK. I am extremely grateful as things could have been a lot worse.

At the beginning of my pregnancy one of my best friends went to see a psychic. The psychic picked up that I was pregnant and said that I would deliver in June. My friend told her that I wasn't due until early August and the psychic replied that maybe I would have them early. Looks like she was right but I will take late June please.

This week I have been totally spoilt with surprises in the mail. I have received flowers, clothes and accessories for the babies, pamper packs, chocolates, books, etc. This box of flowers is absolutely huge, the perfume is exquisite and there are still buds waiting to open.

The beautiful thing is that most of my gifts have come from friends I have met online through IF support groups, the majority of whom I haven't yet met IRL.

30w5d

2009-06-02T20:47:00.006+10:00

I saw my OB today and asked if I could be admitted to my local level 2 hospital for the remainder of my bedrest. I told him that I am having trouble getting any sleep as I lay awake all night waiting for my membranes to rupture or to wait and see if every little niggle is the beginning of contractions. Most importantly the thought of getting to my level 2 hospital and then being transferred to a level 3 hospital in time was my biggest concern.

My OB said that the babies don't just fall out (well der) but if they were to be born quickly my local hospital is well equipped to stabilise them and then organise their transfer post-birth. He also said that he doubts they would have a bed available for me and to just relax as we are doing all we can with the regular monitoring, scans, bedrest and steroids. My blood pressure, urine, soft uterus, etc. are all fine with no need for hospitalised monitoring.

He said that Twin A's head is pushing down firmly on my pelvis. I could have told him that. This little chicklet already does not like sharing with her sister. My OB said that the right hand side of my stomach is full of room whilst at my scan 1.5 weeks ago the left hand side was empty. Twin B just cannot find a way down around her sister no matter how hard she tries.

Crowded House

2009-05-29T13:42:00.010+10:00

The next door neighbours (who happen to be BIL+SIL) are playing their music so loud that is sounds like it is coming directly from my room. The babies obviously aren't too keen on their song choices either as they are elbowing right through me to turn it off. Incidentally, our other neighbours also happen to be BIL+SIL as shown below; and no, DH and I didn't also buy on this street ;) I'm feeling a little home sick. I haven't been home in a few months as we came to stay with the inlaws for a few weeks whilst our carpet was getting ripped up and our floorboards sanded and polished and then the bedrest was imposed.

Whilst I am posting pics here is my 29w1d scan. Couldn't get a good 4D shot of Twin B unfortunately. Twin A is busy thinkin' thinkin' thinkin'.

Just for the hell of it here is me with my ever expanding stretchmarks, 30w1d.

Happy 30th!

2009-05-28T12:56:00.006+10:00

One month on bedrest and I have finally reached my OB's goal of 30 weeks! I have no timeline or goal to work towards now as he is expecting my bulging membranes to rupture at any moment so I am just to remain horizontal and count every day as precious.

29w5d

2009-05-26T14:06:00.003+10:00

I saw my OB today. Fundal height is now 39cm.

He said that we are nearing the very end of my pregnancy.

As per my scan not only had my cervix continued to shorten but it has also dilated further and my waters are bulging quite badly. He is expecting them to give in to pressure and break at any moment.

When this happens I need to present to my closest hospital who can only deliver 34 weeks onwards so they will organise for me to be transferred to whichever of the 3 NICU hospitals in my State has beds for us.

My OB asked if I wanted to be transferred to the care of another private OB closer to the city so at least I had met them before the birth. I said there is no point as:
A) One (or zero) appointments with someone isn't enough for me to establish a relationship with them;
B) I would have to travel at least an hour for this appointment and there is no way in hell I am getting out of bed for a simple meet and greet; and
C) This OB may deliver at NICU Hospital #1 and when the time comes they have no beds so I go to Hospital #3 and have a different OB delivering anyway.

I got my shot in the ar$e with steroids for the babies lung development.

Now we wait.

I'm not ready. My babies aren't ready.

Talkin' 'bout my girls (my girls)

2009-05-22T16:19:00.013+10:00

My darling husband decided to share his gastro with me. Rotten eggs burps, diarrhea, nausea and tummy pains are just what I need. Thank goodness I have avoided the vomiting.

I went for my scan this morning and here are the cervical changes:
20 weeks: cervix length 3cm and closed
26 weeks: cervix length 1.95cm and internal os open
29 weeks: cervix length 1.36cm and internal os open

* So around a .2cm loss per week

My membranes were still bulging into the funnelling and I was clearly shown this on the screen via the fuzzy looking amniotic fluid. This puts me at a risk of Preterm Premature Rupture of the Membranes (PPROM) where the waters break before 37 weeks and before I am actually in labour.

As for the growth scan my girl are doing great.
26 weeks: Both estimated around 680g
29 weeks: Both estimated around 1400g

* Falls on the 50th percentile for a singleton

Both girls have a good level of amniotic fluid, good heartbeat rates and placenta locations are good including blood flow and oxygen.

My girls decided to get into a position that they knew I would find impossible to draw. As you can see they no longer have their heads together and are now playing footsies. They are also pretty much avoiding the left hand side of my belly button and all bunched to the right. I have the most gorgeous 4D photo of Twin A that I am trying to upload. Twin B's face was too covered.

I see my OB on Tuesday to see what happens next.

I Passed

2009-05-18T16:57:00.005+10:00

I saw my OB today. For my own records my fundal height is now 37cm and waist measures 107cm. My urine sample passed and all the bloods I had done last week also passed - yeah(!), no gestational diabetes. My blood pressure behaved this time and my uterus still feels soft.

It took my OB ages to find the heartbeats on his doppler but I wasn't worried as they had been moving around all morning. I was given my routine 28 week Anti-D shot and sent on my way.

My next growth scan and cervical scan is on Friday. Only 4 more sleeps. My OB said that this will be the real indicator as to how things are truly progressing.

Hopefully the past 3 weeks of bed rest have worked and stopped my cervix from rapidly shortening and opening too much more.

Milestone

2009-05-14T20:30:00.002+10:00

Thank you so much to Lost and Found Connections for sending people my way for support and to share their similar experiences, much appreciated xo

Today I reached my first goal of 28 weeks - I am of course still scared $hitl*ess! Now to reach my next goal of 30 weeks.

I went to visit my local vampire today for my blood tests. I was given a bed to lye down on whilst I waited out my one hour diabetes test. The bed was so narrow I was worried I would fall out. I had to come off Metformin for this pregnancy so hopefully my already elevated insulin levels from PCOS does not equal Gestational Diabetes for me.

Here is to seeing many more weeks in the third trimester.

Close Call

2009-05-12T17:38:00.007+10:00

Tweet, tweet. Tweet, tweet. I am sporting the world biggest birds nest. Once I deliver and am finally allowed out of bed I fear I will have no choice but to shave my head. The knots are becoming unmanageable.

27w5d so only 2 days away from my first goal of 28 weeks.

I visited my OB today and everything looked good other than my blood pressure. He tested it and asked me what was going on as it was sky high. About 5 minutes later he tested it again and again said that it was through the roof and asked me what are we going to do about this. It was 200/110. He said that I would need to be admitted to hospital for observation and blood tests. He then said that I have done well getting this far but let's see if in hospital we can stretch it out another 2 weeks.

I was sent away for 20 minutes to sit down and relax in case my reading was due to anxiety. I told him that I didn't feel stressed or anxious but that today was my first time out of the house in 2 weeks so perhaps my body was reacting to that. When I returned he tested my blood pressure again 2 more times and said that it was now within normal limits so no hospital admission required.

I've read some fantastic stories about strict bed rest prolonging gestation for an incompetent cervix so as long as that remains my only problem I am feeling quite positive that I will hit 30 weeks and hopefully more weeks beyond.

I was expecting my swab test to come back with the results of an infection but my OB read "the test shows a normal overgrowth of vaginal flora". Lovely. I just smell by pregnant nature.

Flower in the attic

2009-05-03T13:08:00.005+10:00

I am living with the inlaws. I have a bedroom upstairs and a nearby bathroom. This is to ensure I get fed whilst David is at work since I can't get up and cook for myself. Even when he is home he never spends any time with me anyway :( He is on a 4 day weekend since our holiday was cancelled at the last minute and I only see him at (his) bedtime. My OB said I could transfer from lying in bed to lying on the couch but that isn't possible in this house with a flight of stairs.

BIL+SIL+DS are also living up here. SIL is pregnant too and only 10 days behind me. It's so hard watching her rubbing her belly and running around living life as normal. It's the way the second trimester should be.

Reading back I only reported on my cervical incompetence transvag scan but the actual scan of my girls was beautiful. It was so good to see them again. It was especially cute that they had their heads together like so:

I think they are coming up with a plan as to how to stay inside as long as possible :)

Expect many mundane posts from me and my BFF Sir Laptop whilst I undertake bed arrest until delivery.

One day at a time...

2009-05-01T11:03:00.006+10:00

Just got back from my visit with my OB. He said that at this stage they are classed as borderline babies :-( and that the next 2 week are crucial. With strict bedrest and monitoring he is fairly confident that I will make it to 28 weeks though. I know that nothing is guaranteed but I am now more optimistic that we will get to the 28 week "viability" stage.

He examined my uterus and was happy with it's current condition saying it felt nice and soft so doesn't think it is irritable. I also haven't experienced any contractions. He said that the throbbing and jabbing pains I feel from my cervix are probably just stretching pains and the babies putting pressure on it when they move.

He did an internal and said that he couldn't feel the babies poking through at this stage. He also did a swab to check for an infection as I told him that my discharge had a bad smell to it (TMI!) He wants to wait for the results to come back before putting me on medication of any type. He also doesn't want to give me steroids JUST yet.

After examining my symptoms he doesn't feel that their arrival is imminent but of course I am to call about any pains, bleeding, trickles, etc. I pray that he is right and that we make it to 28 weeks. I'm trying not to set the bar too high, any time after 28 weeks will be a bonus.

We were supposed to fly out today for our 4 day babymoon. How quickly things can change.

Back to Bed

2009-04-30T10:05:00.003+10:00

I spoke to my OB this morning and my incompetent cervix has been confirmed.

My bedrest that was lifted at 9 weeks has now been reimposed at 26 weeks for the remainder of my pregnancy.

Strictly no movement other than to go to the toilet.

I am seeing him tomorrow morning to check how irritable my uterus is and to discuss steroids.

He said best case scenario that he gets me to 30 weeks.

Growth Scan and Stupid Cervix

2009-04-29T14:39:00.002+10:00

I got another peek at the girls todays. I am 26 weeks tomorrow. They looked good but my cervical scan didn't.

My cervical length is now only 1.95cm so too short but not only that, it is also now also open. I couldn't concentrate much when Scan Man was pointing at the screen and throwing around words like short, open and bulging. His next measurement was 2.17cm which is perhaps how open it is?

He is faxing the report through to my OB. He said I need to speak to my OB.

Please don't come too early babies :(

Zebra Crossing

2009-04-23T20:58:00.002+10:00

25 weeks down, 13 weeks or less to go.

I thought so far that I had avoided getting any stretch marks until David kindly pointed out that under the overhang of my gut I am becoming covered in them, lol. Sneaky buggers hiding out there, I have to look in the mirror to see them.

For anyone that has undergone a few operative laparoscopies, what happened to your incision sites during pregnancy? The incisions on either side of my stomach and the pubic one have stretched huge, dark and purple to resemble angry stretch marks. My last surgeon was a bit of a butcher so my belly button just looks like a flattened, mangled, scarred mess incapable of popping out. Is this all normal?

Now 24 Weeks...

2009-04-15T14:31:00.013+10:00

Your cervix, and bladder, and ribs, and . . .
These are some of our favourite things . . .

These babies love to poke and prod in the most uncomfortable of places. They think it is hilarious to make me jump and yelp in front of other people. Although, no matter how sore and tender they make me it is reassuring to know that they are OK.

David used the long Easter weekend to begin some house and yard renovations. I am now surrounded by rubble and will be for the next few months as he only has weekends to work and I am of no use. Most importantly we are ripping up all the carpet and sanding and polishing the floorboards underneath. The feral carpet reeks of previous owners cat and dogs p!ss. Fortunately the floorboards are in great condition. We also need to get rid of the front garden bed and expand the pathway and entrance to our front porch as at the moment it is too narrow for a double pram.

Our nursery so far only consists of 2 cots. I have a million things on layby but we are waiting for the money tree to grow to pay them off. We only have our cots because we paid $100 towards them and MIL, SIL and SIL chipped in for the remaining $900 - so very appreciative.

My Bedrock Babies also got their very first present from the lovely Miss Nemo. This gorgeous parcel arrived in the mail:

Their very own Bedrock hooded towel and face cloth set :D

Peek-A-Boob

2009-04-08T18:37:00.004+10:00

Time to invest in some new bras me thinks. During my first trimester I traded in my F-Cups for some G-Cups. Today one of my new G-Cup Maternity Bras exploded. The cup completely snapped away from the strap leaving one fully exposed boobie. The size and weight of them is getting ridiculous.

More annoying than my bountiful bosom are the twin related comments I am already getting.

Big Nose: "Do twins run in your family?"
Me: "Yes, they do." (Well they do).
Big Nose: "Are they all natural or IVF?"

Why the eff ask if they run in my family if you are going to follow up with the IVF question? Moreso, why automatically assume IVF and not Clomid or some other form of assisted conception? Why do you even have to ask at all??? I seriously wasn't expecting these questions until they were born. Yes they are IVF, yes I am young, now bugger off. I find these comments so rude - why does it make a difference?

22 Weeks Down...

2009-04-02T16:48:00.002+11:00

Unbelievable that at the most I have 16 weeks left to cook these babies.

I saw my OB at 21 weeks and he confirmed all looked good with my morph scan, happy with the growth and development of the twins and length and closure of my cervix. He also said that my fundal height was now measuring 25cms.

He does reckon however that his scales say that I have lost a few kilos since my last visit 6 weeks ago. My OB made a big deal of this. I did go into a state of panic over my PCOS leading to gestational diabetes so I have been making healthier food choices but that is it. I have in no way been dieting. For the rest of the day however I was guilt stricken in that I had been starving my babies.

I have been referred for 26wk, 30wk and 34wk growth scans. Hopefully my girls continue to thrive even if for some reason my weight gain has plateaued for the minute.

Bedrock Babies Morph Scan

2009-03-18T14:11:00.013+11:00

Looks like we have Wilma and Betty on board!!! I could have sworn Fred and/or Barney were growing in there so I already have my first strike against me for proving to have maternal instincts.

After Scan Man did a repeat performance of interrogating why there were 3 of us in the room and who we all were (Moi, David and Mum), he got to work. He said that all looked good growth and organ wise and pointed out that for the moment the babies were forming a t-shape with one straight and head down and the other across the top laying sideways face down, bum up like so:

I asked about the genders and when Scan Man announced that the first one was a girl David pumped his fist in the air and yelled "yes!" When he announced that the other was also a girl David said "Doh, I'm outnumbered". We are both absolutely thrilled to bits. My cervix was also measuring nice and long with no indication of it opening and needing a stitch anytime soon.

B1: Couldn't get a good shot of her face as it was covered by the membrane separating them.

B2:

Pooped

2009-03-09T22:20:00.004+11:00

That I am. Pooped. Buggered. Stuffed.

Someone went on leave so I was bumped back up to working 4 days and I really felt it. I may only do shifts around 5 hours but I am alone for that time running mad like a headless chook. No time to sit down and noone to relieve me for a toilet break.

It has been flat out and I feel like I have been working out at the gym. Lots of people have been coming in for kids shoes so I have been up and down squatting with my legs spread in frog pose fitting their feet. One stupid parent brought her son in without socks and asked me to look at the fit of his shoes. I touched his feet to check and then noticed he was covered in red spots. I'm up to date with all my vaccinations and have had chicken pox before but what if I hadn't??? Bloody idiot. It is quite obvious that I am pregnant as I am confidently confronted by both people I know and strangers now asking when I am due.

We have to wear black and white to work and I don't want to waste any money on new clothes so I am stretching out my old ones. However, squatting down to assist kids this week has lead to many a bust seams in my leggings. Fortunately I am not the type to wear short tops with leggings emphasising my cameltoe so my now crotchless leggings have not become public viewing. Hopefully anyway as my long tops and dresses are slowly riding up. Alternatively they may have heard the explosive tears.

7.5 weeks of work left. They asked if I want to go on maternity leave or resign but there is no point in returning as I just took it as a casual job that worked in well around Uni. 26 weeks couldn't come fast enough.

9 sleeps until my morphology scan. They like you to be around 20 weeks with twins. I am now around 55% betting B/B and 45% B/G.

Made it back alive... just.

2009-02-24T16:46:00.009+11:00

Tasmania was lovely although my legs are still recovering from all of the walking we did. Here's a sneak preview.

Our mini hire car:

Lovers in Tasmania:

A hitchhiking tick that David's hairy back picked up :(

Mmm... food...

Port Arthur Historic Site:

Isle of the Dead. At one point I got dizzy and thought I was going to faint. I was burning up and started to strip off some tops. The tour guide stopped talking and asked if I was OK saying that I had gone stark white.

16 weeks today

2009-02-19T15:24:00.006+11:00

I saw my OB this week. He used the doppler and I got the reassurance that both heartbeats are still thumping away. When I layed on his table and he was feeling my stomach my Mother yelped that I had really popped out. He dramatically got out his tape measure and said that I am measuring 4cm ahead - at around 19 weeks during my 15th week. Of course I am, it's twins, and I knew that I had popped out quickly.

My risks from my bloods/NT scan came back as 1:6,xxx for Twin A and 1:8,xxx for Twin B. I'm guessing my age helped push me into the low risk category.

David and I are going to Tasmania tomorrow for a long weekend to celebrate our wedding anniversary. For those international readers we are flying from Point A to Point B:

Kudos to those who make Microsoft Paint look so easy...

Insert Appropriate Title Here

2009-02-08T13:05:00.005+11:00

I went to a work function last week where there were a few questions about my expanding bosom and whether in addition to purchasing a house I had also purchased a boob job. If these people had of just adverted their eyes a little lower they would have witnessed the culprits.

I have given my work a resignation date of 30th April. The day I turn 26 weeks. I've already cut my hours down to around 15 per week so am hoping to last that long even if I have to cut down even further. I'm looking at doing pregnancy pilates this trimester and also talking to the physio about getting a maternity back brace as I don't have a very strong back.

I thought my belly had stopped growing from my last belly shot 2 weeks ago but these photos seem to indicate otherwise:

12wks2days vs. 14wks2days

Meet the Flintstones

2009-01-29T23:40:00.004+11:00

6 weeks 6 days

12 weeks

I am guessing 2 boys. Sometimes I think one of each but then I always come back to 2 boys...

Consider my marbles lost...

2009-01-28T18:36:00.002+11:00

I am totally useless at the moment. I got in to my Graduate Diploma of Education which I decided to defer for a year rather than tackle a semester before taking an intermission. I certainly made the right decision.

Some examples: I am hopeless at finding my car after work. I wander the undercover carpark for ages trying to remember where I parked. David and I were also out shopping and I left him on a bench seat to make a toilet trip. I came out and took off in the opposite direction trying to find which bench I left him on. After walking around in a few circles I spotted David on the other side of the mall watching me and laughing.

A class full of teenagers would have been the end of me. I always thought baby brain was a myth/excuse.

My butt went that way, and my guts went that way...

2009-01-24T23:04:00.009+11:00

My tummy so far has bloated up during the day, been massive of an evening and then upon wakening the next morning deflated to a soft, flabby pot belly. This morning however it didn't deflate so I thought it may be time to start the belly shots.

I have a sudden onset of thunder thighs and a huge arse. My stomach has also protruded out further than my G-Cup (.Y.)

12 weeks 2 days:

12 Week Update...

2009-01-22T21:28:00.008+11:00

12 weeks today and am starting to believe that this pregnancy is actually for real.

I filled up two bottles of water for my scan today to take in the car to drink on the way. I got through the first bottle and then started gagging and dry retching. This went on for a few minutes and I thought if anything happened I would just bring some water back up. WRONG. I ended up wearing this mornings banana smoothie, as did the car. The car stunk and all David and I could do was laugh the rest of the trip.

When I turned up to the clinic they weren't too impressed when I asked if they had a towel I could sit on rather than leave big chunks of banana over their waiting room furniture. I asked if the vomitting would effect my water intake and they kept repeating that I may have to have an internal instead (like the dildo-cam is a concern to me!)

MIL followed us up in her car as she was going to drive me home afterwards whilst David went in the other direction to work. The Scan Man called me in and obviously doesn't understand why anyone but the parents need to be there. He asked MIL is she was there because she was at the conception as well. I said "well actually SHE WAS at the IVF transfer so YES. Have you heard that one before?" He mumbled that he didn't need to know any more details.

Upon seeing the twins I exclaimed "OMG they look like aliens!" Scan Man said that it was called mother-in-law factor and when they look like that they are said to look like the mother-in-law. He asked me what I think so I said "she is sitting right there, what do you think?" I don't think Scan Man likes me very much...

Scan Man did his thing getting the NT measurements and said that everything looked good/normal. I haven't got my risk ratio yet though. At my last appointment my OB said that I would get a phone call from his Secretary with this information. After all was checked out he put a video tape in and I got 5 minutes of footage of the twins. Seriously, VHS???

Scan Man then sent me on my way and said that next time, to make his job easier, to make sure my appointment was for twins. The referral and appointment was done before we knew it was twins. I got the same lecture from the Receptionist. I assume they need to schedule me in for a longer appointment time and to charge me more as they also mentioned something about Medicare codes.

I have a photo of The Flintstones but our study is yet to be unpacked so I will scan it in as soon as I can.

ETA: I just remembered that I had a booking in appointment tonight at the hospital I am going to give birth in - FAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bloody idiot. What excuse will I give them to reschedule???

From Fat to Fab...

2009-01-19T22:27:00.003+11:00

How does one distinguish an expanding tummy from the growing of babe/s to that of it's my pregnancy and I'll eat what I want to? I'll post a belly pic later this week for your opinions.

I met with my OB on Friday who did a quick one minute scan to check that the babies were still in there and I guess to see the heartbeats (which I assume were still beating). He stuck the probe on my belly and said "so we have three pregnancies here", lol, my Mum must have caught sight of my hematoma or uterus and believed him. He pointed to one who was bouncing around (so cute) and the other who was chilling, sleeping or being lazy like his parents.

I have my 12 week NT scan on Thursday. I can't wait to see them again and get the video and pictures.

Our house also settled on Friday so I am overwhelmed with lots of cleaning and unpacking to do. We went three days with no gas so weren't able to have hot water or to do any cooking. I turned the gas off at the main and let it settle for a day and then for some reason today all of our gas appliances and pilot lights lit. Weird.

We also seem to only have a Foxtel Dish on our roof and one Foxtel point in the house. No Antenna or Antenna points inside so have had no television to watch. I guess as far as surprises go when you move into a house we have been fairly lucky.

This is basically a renovation rescue house for us so I will post some "before" pictures after I finish unpacking all of these boxes.

Sing it, Sing Hallelujah!

2009-01-06T15:36:00.007+11:00

Can you hear the 100 trombones on parade in Australia? My bleeding has stopped. I am still a toilet paper inspector but not a spot in sight.

I have my next OB appointment/scan in 10 days and my NT scan in 16 days. It will be good to be able to look and say "holy crap there really are a couple of babies growing inside of me" rather than being shown a couple of grey blobs and being told that everything is OK.

I am almost 10 weeks and still lacking in the symptoms department. I need to pee and eat more often but that is pretty much it. Don't get me wrong I'm not doing cartwheels and headstands but I think a lifetime of feeling shit from endometriosis, hormonal imbalances and years of AC I'm used to the fatigue and generally feeling crappy.

If I want to feel pregnant though I just have to attempt to brush my teeth or get dressed in the morning into bras and clothes that no longer fit me. I'm also getting lots of stomach pains (assumed to be stretching) and can only sleep on my sides, so have already had to invest in a pillow, as sleeping on my back and stomach is a killer.

When I type that all out I think I may be making up for the morning/all day sickness in other ways.

Things will probably go a little quiet on this end as next week we are moving into our new (well new to us) home. It will be so good to say goodbye to renting.

Thank you so much for all of your comments and support.

Uterus of Bedrock

2008-12-31T18:00:00.002+11:00

I'm back with an update on The Flintstones.

I met with my OB and his portable ultrasound machine today. He measured the first baby and said 7w1d. That was my measurement at my last scan and today I am 8w6d. I said that it hadn't grown and he called me Miss Negativity and told me to empty my bladder as it looked a little full.

I came back and he located both heartbeats and gave me measurements of 8w3d. I'm not too worried as I know at this stage a few days comes down to a couple of mm and that his machine wasn't as accurate as the real ones. He didn't do the heartbeat rates and of course they looked slow to me.

I'm going back in 2 weeks for another appointment and scan. Great news is that my subchronic hematoma has gone from 4cm to .7cm ! ! ! So THANK YOU for all the shrinkage vibes sent my way xoxoxo

Please hold on tight babies

2008-12-30T12:36:00.005+11:00

I realise that my posts about this subchronic hematoma have been quite negative when the large majority of stories from fellow sufferers have been very positive but it's just the way I cope.

Preparing for the worst is how I managed to get through years of IVF. Not having expectations of BFP's each cycle made those clinic phone calls a little easier to bare. I was still devastated with each failed cycle but not as much as I would have been if I were expecting it to work.

I seem to be doing the same thing with this bleeding. Please send me all your hematoma shrinking and dissolving vibes.

One more sleep til I see my OB.

Scared

2008-12-27T14:48:00.003+11:00

I have been bleeding for almost 2 weeks now. This week the bleeding has been red and like a normal period although it seems to come in small bursts throughout the day rather than a constant bleed.

4 sleeps until my next OB appointment and scan.

I haven't vomitted again since that one night and I now think it was more food than pregnancy related. I don't really have any other pregnancy symptoms either.

David is on annual leave at the moment and whilst I am trying to rest up as much as I can to give my blood pocket a chance to heal and reabsorb, David is constantly complaining that he is bored. For goodness sakes we are moving in a few weeks so spend some time packing and cleaning rather than getting on my back over something I have no control over.

I am not feeling confident that either baby has managed to hold on during all this bleeding and I have pretty much detached myself from this pregnancy.

Info?

2008-12-22T20:44:00.002+11:00

Bleeding still here. Still having to wear a small pad. I'm going to ring my local hospital tomorrow to confirm what the procedure is for Anti-D injections and ongoing bleeds. I am no longer covered under the last injection I had.

The last scan I had was done on those x-ray type films so I'm not sure how or if I can upload them? The Sonographer showed me next to the 2 pregnancy sacs a dark mass which was the blood pocket my bleeding was coming from. She said that it wasn't attached to either of the babies though which was good news.

When I asked my OB for further clarification he just said that it was located at the implantation site of one of the babies and that more blood could trickle out. I have been bleeding for a week now varying from heavy to spotting, fresh to old blood, and don't feel like it is ever going to end.

If this blood pocket is attempting to "bleed out" should I not be lying down so much? Should I stay elevated and walk a little? I was told to rest and take it easy and to not resume normal activities until the bleeding has ceased for at least 2 days, but I don't feel like it is going to anytime soon. I was reading that some subchronic bleeds can last until 20 weeks.

I just want it to go away :(

Please Go Away

2008-12-21T14:55:00.002+11:00

I'm back to wearing a pad but the bleeding is mainly dark red and brown now. My OB didn't really go into too much detail about this bleed but from what I have been reading subchronic bleeds can occur at the implantation site so I hope and pray that it heals itself soon. I'm doing all I can and have barely moved off the couch all weekend.

Update

2008-12-20T10:26:00.004+11:00

I called my IVF clinic yesterday and they were hopeless. I asked the Early Pregnancy Nurse how long the Anti-D injection lasted and she said "no, you will never need to have another one". I told her that I was certain the FS said something like a couple of days. I also reported the fresh red heavy bleed and asked if I should organise a follow up scan. I got a call back and found out that the injection only covers me until Monday (she could have done some damage there) and my new bleed was pretty much ignored as I was told if I bleed again between Christmas and New Years then I should organise a follow up scan.

My OB appointment wasn't for another 3 weeks so I felt I should get under his care sooner rather than later. I rang his office to see if I could possibly bring my appointment forward. He wanted me to go for another scan at a radiology centre and come in with the report that same day. I couldn't believe it.

I went for the scan and this machine was fantastic. They took their time checking everything and located the source of the bleed. Twin A is .99cm with a heart rate of 134bpm and Twin B is .81cm with a heartbeat of 144bpm so both looking good. The source of the bleed was around the implantation site of one of the twins. I thought it was a bit late for this type of bleeding but I guess I did something to aggravate it?

My OB wants to see me again in 1.5wks for a follow up scan and appointment. He also wants me back on the Progesterone Pessaries to which he wasn't happy with that my clinic took me off them.

I think I have found a great OB and am fairly confident that he is going to take good care of me. He did piss me off with one comment though, "why have you been doing IVF if you are only 26?" I'm sorry, does 6 years TTC with numerous failed operations and fertility treatments not qualify me?

So all is well in the land of Oz again; the bleeding is old brown blood again and back to spotting.

ETA: I had my first vomit last night. I ran around in circles like an idiot not knowing where to do it so it ended up all over the floor. Took me by complete surprise.

Bugger Off!

2008-12-18T17:37:00.002+11:00

I went back to work today. It was only a 3 hour shift so I thought it would be OK (even though Christmas is mad in retail). Before the first hour was even up I felt like I was constantly peeing in my pants and took note to begin my pelvic floor exercises.

I went to the toilet and my enemy was there again. This time a bright angry shade of red and as heavy as AF. I feel like I am in between Drs. at the moment with my first OB appointment not until 9th January so I will call my IVF clinics early pregnancy nurse tomorrow and see if I can organise a follow up scan.

I know there is no preventing these things but I would rather know sooner than later.

How Many?

2008-12-17T19:38:00.004+11:00

"I see you transferred two embryos".

We have two heartbeats. I had tears during the scan. After yesterdays bleeding I wasn't expecting to see any heartbeat, let alone two.

My FS is on leave at the moment and the FS that was filling in was very quick to get rid of me and didn't tell me the measurements or the heartbeat rates. She did say that all was looking good though.

I asked if I could go on Progesterone Pessaries due to the bleeding but she wouldn't give me a script and said that there was no point as whatever is going to happen now will happen. I was given a shot of Anti-D though so at least that is something.

I will admit to being scared shitless :o

Bad.

2008-12-16T09:52:00.003+11:00

Not feeling so confident now.

I've had some bleeding today. It's not gushing but it is more than spotting or smears on the toilet paper and has contained some clots. For the moment it is dark blood so I am not totally freaking out... yet.

UPDATE: Since this mornings small pool of blood I have been on bed rest and it has subsided to spotting and on the toilet paper. Still dark blood.

Scared about tomorrows scan.

Almost There...

2008-12-15T15:42:00.002+11:00

I have found an Obstetrician. He has admission rights for 3 of my local hospitals so is able to cater for both low and high risk patients. My appointment is for 9th January so only 3.5 weeks away.

2 sleeps til my scan. The constant peeing and nausea (only cured by constant eating) is helping me remain quietly confident.

Nobody wants me...

2008-12-12T17:53:00.003+11:00

Today I felt confident enough to to tackle the decision of choosing an OBGYN and Hospital. I got recommendations from local IVF'ers and started making my calls, mainly based on those who were able to cater for both low and high care if I am wrong in my instincts and it is a multiple birth.

I was on the phone all day and didn't get one appointment. The Ob's were either unavailable that date, on leave, couldn't help me if it was twins, or their rude Secretary never returned my call after saying things like "what is your name and number as I have more important matters to deal with first". WTF??? I now have to wait until Monday and start again.

I thought getting and staying pregnant was the hard part?

Six and Six

2008-12-11T13:28:00.003+11:00

I am six weeks today. Six more sleeps until my scan.

The paranoia has set in and regret for not having repeat BETA's. I had a bottle of Progesterone Pessaries left over from my last cycle and am worried that the only reason I haven't started bleeding is because I have been taking them.

Why isn't my head in the toilet? Why aren't my (.Y.) all veiny?

Am I still pregnant?

I'm oh so tired... ssshhh ssshhh...

2008-12-07T23:49:00.004+11:00

The pain seems to be slowly subsiding each day now and the bloating also appears to go down of a morning so I am not as worried as I was.

Last time OHSS + Biochemical Pregnancy = A trip to hospital emergency. I don't think this pregnancy has exasperated my symptoms quite as much though as I can still function.

It also seems that sex makes it worse so I am hiding from David. He is being bloody annoying me though - how the hell do I get him to leave me alone???

Hoping to make it a 40 week trifecta with Evil Stepmonster and Melbagirl.

Also wanting to send a big welcome to Blogland to Dr. Barrensess.

Help Me, Rhonda (or anyone?)

2008-12-05T22:04:00.004+11:00

Yep, closet Beach Boys fan here.

Strange things are happening to me...

I am only 5 weeks pregnant and have already put on 5 kilos! I had my usual stim cycle weight gain that I haven't lost but my stomach has also bloated out to make me look about 6 months pregnant already! My boobs have also exploded with new stretch marks and my size F bra cups are barely covering my nipples anymore.

I've also had a lot of stomach and back pain, so much that some nights I can't sleep, so I am wondering if my OHSS symptoms are still lingering...

Any thoughts? I should also add that I haven't been eating any more than usual or more junk food than normal (well I don't think I have?)

Waiting to Exhale...

2008-12-02T19:34:00.003+11:00

I have a scan date for December 17, I will be 6 weeks and 6 days.

I have no repeat BETA's in the meantime so am sitting back convincing myself that everything will be OK :-) There is no reason it shouldn't be.

News Just In...

2008-11-28T19:11:00.004+11:00

BETA came in at 373 @ 15DPO.

Tried to make an appointment for my scan for the week beginning 15th December with my FS but haven't heard back so probably wont get a date til Monday now.

I'm not worrying about a repeat BETA with such a good level.

Starting to get a little excited.

ETA: I may be tempting fate but I have put up a pregnancy ticker as I am going to enjoy and celebrate this pregnancy while it lasts.

... and you smell like one too!

2008-11-26T18:06:00.003+11:00

Happy Birthday to Me!

13DPO and I still have a line. Nothing could top that as a birthday present.

2 sleeps til my BETA.

Keep sticking please!

Please...

2008-11-24T18:53:00.002+11:00

At the risk of Geohde turning up on my doorstep and whooping my ass I just POAS.

11DPO with evening pee and I got a second line.

So scared this will end in a repeat of my first stim cycle...

Please, please, please, please, please, stick!

Luck be a lady tonight

2008-11-22T19:49:00.005+11:00

Do good things come in fours?

What about thirteens?

What makes three so special?

As you know from my last entry good thing #1 is that we just scored our first home at an awesome price.

Good thing #2 s that I won $450 yesterday! I went on a shopping spree and got myself a heap of presents for my birthday next week including clothes, a bag, a wii fit and some books. Not to sound ungrateful but it didn't go far, lol, and I've never had anything close to that amount to splurge in my life!

Next week on November 28 I get both my Uni and BETA results so I am hoping for good things both #3 AND #4 to eventuate.

I would now like to jump to lucky numbers #12 & #13, the embies I have just transferred, who a lovely friend has incestuously named Fred and Wilma.

So let's hope that good things (understatement) also come in fours and thirteens :-)

I got a letter from my clinic that I only got one blast for the freezer. Is three blasts from eleven eggs reasonable? My clinic has a grading schedule from 1-3 and discard anything that falls below this. I'm getting curious now as to what category my three blast fell into. I might shoot off an email to my Nurse. Since my clinic doesn't routinely go to blast they don't have the best culture mediums, so I am happy with what I got considering this.

I must admit that after one or two more stim cycles I will consider changing clinics. I figure I have nothing to lose from a fresh approach.

In Other News....

2008-11-19T11:38:00.003+11:00

Last week amongst all the IVF excitement we also purchased our first home!!! Settlement is January 16. I don't know what else to say at this point. The thought of it makes me want to vomit. I don't know if it is out of excitement, nervousness, fear...

Bingo Terms

2008-11-18T15:28:00.002+11:00

I was trying to think of a fancy title for transfer #8 so I googled bingo terms. Eight translates to "one fat lady" (does this Gonal-F make my gut look big?) or "garden gate" (I love to share my lady garden with all!). As you can see I couldn't choose as both titles are deemed quite appropriate for IVF.

11/11 of my eggs fertilised which is pretty awesome, however last time 14/15 fertilised so I assume you are guaranteed high fert rates when using ICSI? I now also have 2 beautiful blasts on board!!! I was told I would get a letter as to how many they freeze (if any) so obviously they still have something they are keeping an eye on.

My FS said that I have a super duper chance of getting pregnant this cycle and that if I don't then it would just be very very bad luck. I've heard the old "we will get you pregnant in no time" from a myriad of Drs. over the years so I don't expect to get pregnant any more this cycle than I did any of my other cycles but it sure would be a nice surprise.

The 2WW seems so short when you do a blast transfer, woo hoo.

From Legs Eleven to...

2008-11-17T13:53:00.003+11:00

I just got the call that I have a transfer time of 10.50am tomorrow. Our very first day 5 blast transfer. I haven't received any calls so I have no idea how many of my 11 eggs fertilised or how things are progressing. I don't want to know as I don't want to have any expectations. This way I will be happy to turn up tomorrow and just have one or two to transfer (please!). My history of transferring 10 frosties has proven that thaw cycles for some reason don't agree with me so I don't want a stockpile of embies anyway.

I went straight back to work so I don't know if this has set back my recovery or if I have mild OHSS. I work in retail so there has been a lot of bending and lifting and general running around. I'm 4 days past EPU and my symptoms still haven't eased up. I feel like someone is stabbing at my ovaries (possibly trying to collect more eggs), back pain, nausea, dizziness, fatigue and difficulty breathing. Pain relief is doing little to alleviate these symptoms but I am able to soldier on with my day to day functioning so I am not too concerned.

I am on Crinone now which has its own side effects so soon it will be difficult to separate what may have been OHSS and what may be cramping etc. due to the progesterone. What I am doing differently this cycle (in addition to a blast transfer) is taking the meds my FS discussed with me when my ANA came back elevated. I'm still on my preconception/pregnancy multivitamin and mega B complex but am also now on folic acid 5mg and baby aspirin. Let's hope it makes a difference to my uterine environment.

I am looking forward to testing out tomorrow how transfers work at my new relocated clinic... NOT! For local readers after more feedback in addition to my last EPU post about the conditions I forgot to add that recovery now consists of water and a biscuit (no more sandwiches) as a heads up for those who get hungry post fasting and have a long trip home. In addition, now that IVF is in day surgery along with everyone else, the admission, recovery and discharge nurses are therefore not reproductive nurses so am unable to answer ANY of your questions. Oh well you live and learn and remember that this is just my opinion and my experience. Hopefully with time the conditions at that new hospital will improve.

Will post tomorrow as to the outcome of my transfer (please!) or lack thereof...

The only way is up. Right? Right?

2008-11-13T16:43:00.009+11:00

I had a bad day today. I hate to play the victim and wallow in my own pity party but I really should document the lows of this crappy journey as it is so easy to downplay them upon reflection later down the track.

I had a 7:00am admission time so we booked a motel in the city close by the clinic. I guess the pressure to perform got to David so he was unable to produce his sample before we left. He decided he would use a clinic room or come back to the motel whilst I was in surgery and try again. Bit of a worry but we got on with things.

My IVF clinic is located within a major hospital which has just relocated so I had never been there before. Being so early there was noone on the reception or enquiry desks. I went to the Reproductive Services floor which was completely empty with locked doors and noone coming when I rang the buzzer. I frantically asked all of the floor staff I could find and was sent on a wild goose chase all over the hospital for 1/2 hour. Noone could help me, I was in tears. I phoned my FS's assistant and she had no idea where I had to go either.

At 7:30am some Reproductive Nurses finally turned up and sent me to the right floor. Now the day surgery for ALL procedures is together. I was the only IVF patient in a small waiting room with others waiting for hysterectomy's and c-sections. Directly to my left I had to listen to an Anesthetist gushing in excitement pre-admitting a woman for her cesarean and going over her birth plan. My IVF clinic operates from 2 hospitals and I have decided I am NEVER using this one again.

Anyway, I got 11 eggs which is fantastic. My FS also said though that I had a number of empty follies which she found frustrating. I hope I didn't spontaneously ovulate my mature eggs and leave 11 immature ones... Partners aren't allowed in recovery anymore (another sucky change) so I was anxiously waiting to meet up with David to see if things had finally worked on his end.

He was also sent on a wild goose chase to empty desks and locked rooms. He ended up just finding a mens rest room and doing it in a cubicle. I can't say anymore that his part of this whole ordeal is easy as he just has to spoof in a cup as he said it took ages and he is really sore now, lol. He also said that not much came out and that he missed catching some of it. Luckily we do ICSI so that shouldn't be a problem anyway.

Driving home was torture. It took us 2 hours to move a couple of city blocks! The road was gridlock and the only roads we knew to get home were blocked off for some public event. It also took me 1.5 hours to convince my silly husband to let me turn on the GPS so we could get the hell out of there!

My clinic doesn't routinely do day 5 transfers and I was told I wouldn't get any updates until I turn up for transfer. I don't want daily updates but I will be calling at some stage to see how things are progressing, and beating it out of them if I have to...

Can I wake up and start again?

Bwok Bwok

2008-11-10T16:28:00.002+11:00

This is only going to be short as my stupid internet connection made me lose my last post and I am too angry to type it all out again!

I went to my follie scan today and my FS wants me to trigger today or tomorrow at the latest as I have 6 really big mumma follies. She also said to expect about as many eggs as last time which was 15 so I am guessing I have a few other medium size ones that may catch up in time for EPU.

I didn't ask any more questions about numbers and sizes. I've had the awesome egg collection, fertilisation rate, thaw rates, cell counts, etc. and gotten nowhere. It doesn't mean anything to me anymore and I have no control over things like that so why become so consumed with it all. What will be will be.

There has been a change in my protocol though and we are now attempting to grow every single embie I get to day 5! This will be a real test for my embies. What if I have nothing to transfer? What if I ovulate before EPU and have nothing to pick up? What if, what if, what if... breathe...

Eek!!!

General Suckiness

2008-11-07T14:31:00.003+11:00

I don't think I have to worry about BCP putting my ovaries to sleep. I can feel my ovaries throbbing, my back hurts, and I feel extremely nauseous and dizzy. I am only 5 jabs down but for my last stim I only did 7 jabs before triggering for EPU so a bit may have happened already. I hope I don't get worse OHSS this time around as last time it was fairly manageable.

My Uni exams (and hopefully my degree) are now done and dusted. I left my crappy, boring subjects til my last semester and had no motivation to do well in them. For all of my exams I ran out of time so pretty much missed a whole question on each one (not good). I just hope I did enough to pass. I just couldn't bring myself to do my usual wild, passionate scrawling as I'm sorry uni but "I'm just not that into you". I had the knowledge but the clock was against me and I couldn't get my lazy hand to get the words down in time. Hopefully my GPA also doesn't suffer too much so I am still eligible for post-grad.

Tomorrow we are going house hunting and looking through a few open for inspections. Then we are going to a housewarming for someone David works with. I have never met anyone from his workplace and am concerned that it will be awkward. I don't do well in those types of situations. I have used every excuse in the book to get out of it but to no avail. On Sunday I have to work and am then going to visit one of my best friends who has spent the last month travelling Europe. I can't wait to see her and hear about her travels. I have missed her heaps.

Follie scan on Monday so it will be interesting to see what is causing these symptoms!

Thunderbirds... Are... Go!

2008-11-03T12:55:00.003+11:00

I went for my down reg lining scan today and passed with flying colours. My usual Nurse is taking a long weekend due to Melbourne Cup (lucky her) so I had a different nice Nurse filling in. She said that my lining was nice and thin but also said that I had quite a number of follicles. All was good when I told her that my ovaries were polycystic. At every scan now I get comments on my ovaries. I wonder if all this treatment has created even more cysts? They have always been identifiable as polycystic but at every scan now I get a big "WHOA!". I guess there is nothing more I can do to treat my PCOS as I have tried the usual - ovarian drilling and Metformin (still on).

I did my first jab today and have my follie scan next Monday. EPU will be next week and to be honest I am a little FREAKED out. Why am I putting myself through this again? Why didn't I ask for my protocol to be altered even more? Why the hell am I expecting the outcome of this cycle to be any different to my last seven? Etcetera.

My final exams have been helping to take my mind off things. I have my last one in four days and then I will have completed my Bachelor of Business and Commerce - yippee!!! I have applied to do my Diploma of Education (Secondary) next year so fingers crossed I get in so then I can teach business/commerce/legal based subjects (or I guess wherever the school needs me).

We have also met with our bank to discuss purchasing our first home! With the global economic crisis and Australian housing affordability crisis, our Government is offering first home buyers $17,000 towards the purchase of an established home and $26,000 towards a brand new home. We don't want a huge mortgage so only applied for what we know we can realistically afford to pay (even though the bank tried to get us to apply for more) so we are about to start house hunting!

Off to study for my last exam now. Wish me luck!

I want to cry. Can I blame the Synarel yet?

2008-10-20T22:40:00.004+11:00

Only my first day of sniffing and the lovely Geohde already has me wanting to burst into tears.

It means a lot to know that anyone still checks in here when I post so little.

Many of my hunnies that I would love to nominate, and allow you to also share their journey, have had to enable privacy settings on their blogs. These woman have had it tough and without their friendship and support I wouldn't be coping as well as I am on this crazy ride.

So without further ado, drum roll please.... my nominees are:

Ellie @ Icing on the Cupcake:

http://icingonthecupcake-ellie.blogspot.com/

How can you not love a blog name with cupcake in it? Ellie suffered a disastrous first cycle after a collection of 20 eggs and a fert report of ZERO :-( Her embies were checked the following day just in case and one had fertilised and progressed slowly to 2 cells so was transferred. She is about to embark on IVF#2 with ICSI this time.

Bec @ Crazy Lady Ramblings:

http://crazyladyramblings.blogspot.com/

With a blog name so close to my own heart how can I not nominate her? Bec has continued to soldier on during these enduring times and is always quick to show support to others. I appreciate the honestly and strength that Bec shows in her posts. She has also just booked in her next FET transfer date.

The Evil Stepmonster:

http://evilstepmonster.blogspot.com/

She has come so close lately and worn the title of 'a little bit pregnant' for her last 2 cycles. Too cruel. Mrs. Evil has also just started sniffing so hoping her pee sticks go all the way this time. Was game enough to enter the Downunder Dorkoff competition with some pretty cool pics. Go over and say hello whilst she contemplates how much longer she can continue this journey.

M @ Quiet Sanctuary:

http://quietsanctuary.wordpress.com/

M's blog is a mixed bag were she shares her suffering of her losses of too many angel babes, her long, long, long, IVF journey and the adoption process. M also has some gorgeous fur babies who appear to be very photogenic posers. I also love the random tours and show and tell pics she posts as I am a total sticky beak.

Melbagirl @ A taste of IVF over 40:

http://ivfjournal.wordpress.com/

Melbagirl's IVF journey started with MFI and the use of donor sperm. After 5 stim cycles she has now retired her eggs and stim #6 will consist of donor eggs from her wonderful, generous niece. A very exciting time so stay tuned to her blog.

I think I will stop there as I have exam prep calling and I realise that I have discriminated to Aussie AC blogs - oops! Sorry, not at all intentional but as I'm sure you all appreciate sometimes we hunt down blogs of those in a similar situation to ourselves just to feel relatively normal.

Quick Updates

2008-10-14T21:53:00.005+11:00

David put my pot of parsley out in the sun and it is now a gorgeous fried shade of yellow.

As reflected in my lame blog entries, this has been one of the most boring, uneventful years of my existence. To ensure the same thing doesn't happen again next year I have taken advantage of some cheap flights and have started booking interstate long weekends away starting with Tasmania in February and South Australia in May.

I finally start sniffing again next week.

My second round of blood tests still couldn't link my elevated ANA to any specific auto-immune diseases so my FS doesn't want to put me on any additional medication. I will probably go on baby aspirin post transfer anyway.

I sometimes have panic attacks about starting another stim cycle. My drug protocol hasn't changed so why should the outcome of this cycle be any different?

As per usual I have been bleeding and living in pads whilst on BCP. Why my clinic wont change the brand or dose so I don't have to put up with this, I have no idea.

I'm starting to feel like an old bag whilst I am only one month off 26. I started TTC at 19 and IVF at 24. I don't have the fertility of a young person, my gonal-f gut, saddlebags and fat arse aren't going anywhere and I am getting blinder by the minute. My self esteem is at an all time low, so I am now looking into ways to give myself a body makeover.

In 4 weeks exam time will be over and I will have completed my Bachelor of Business and Commerce.

I can haz da tickerz

2008-10-03T00:00:00.000+10:00

My Nurse and I decided that rather than rush my cycle to postpone it until after my exams have finished. This means that I have to stay on BCP for longer which of course has me freaking out that 2 month uninterrupted on the pill will send my ovaries to sleep and effect my stim response.

So, here is where we are at:

Down Regging Insert Yawn

2008-09-13T01:28:00.002+10:00

I am back on BCP down regging for my next stim cycle. In a couple of weeks I will be back on Synarel too.

There is so much going on at the moment but I just can't post about it publicly and still can't figure out Wordpress (it's not me-user friendly at all).

It looks like I will have a EPU/ET and uni exam timetable clash. I can't defer my exams as I need to complete them on time in order to graduate. I'm trying to shave some time off my cycle by starting BCP and Synarel 2 days earlier than my schedule. I had 2 days of bleeding before I called to report CD1 as I didn't class it as real AF so it should be fine. I will then need to convince my FN to let me start stimming ASAP after my lining scan.

If worse comes to worse and I can't get the timing right or my clinic wont be flexible then I guess I will just have to cancel this cycle...

Desperate Times...

2008-09-03T22:45:00.003+10:00

I told David that I had discovered the secret to getting pregnant from an old wives tales. I told him that all I needed was to be given potted parsley as a gift. He went to his Mum's and came home with this:

I could live inside that pot!

I think someone is desperate for some more grandkids asap.

Another Piece of the Puzzle?

2008-08-04T22:27:00.007+10:00

I went to see my FS today for my follow up appointment. She showed me lovely photos from my hysteroscopy/biopsy to which everything was indeed normal.

She again confirmed that our karyotype testing came back normal and said that my immune testing came back normal... all but for ANA. I am being tested again as well as for a few other things.

I asked what medication she would put me on for being ANA+ to which she replied a blood thinner post transfer. I was afraid of this diagnosis and will ask my ratio when I have this test repeated as I need to know this stuff stay to sane.

She wants me to do the exact same down reg protocol as my last stim only because we did achieve what is classed as a pregnancy on my fresh transfer (even though the next 6 FET's were a bust). However, after transferring 2 fresh day 2 embies she is still happy with my wish to grow the rest to day 5 for freezing.

If we have no luck trying the same protocol again she would like to do an Antagonistic cycle next.

So it looks like I will spend next month (September) on the Pill and then start stimming in October.

I guess in the meantime I should get stuck into my uni assignments...

But When?

2008-07-28T22:54:00.003+10:00

I need to start thinking about when I am going to cycle again. I have an appointment to see my Fertility Specialist on Monday so I will be all armed with fresh test results and a new protocol but for when?

I have no room for another cycle on the credit card at the moment but I guess if I really wanted to I could make the room. I seem to be intentionally not making the room. It has just been so nice recently not having to worry about medications, appointments, finances for IVF, etc., etc.

Once you get on the IVF merry-go-round it is extremely difficult to get off (for me anyway). I know that I will jump into back to back cycles again (especially if I get frosties) and I don't know if I am quite ready to live like that again.

I need some time to be "me" and that just doesn't happen whilst cycling.

I've told David that as long as I do one fresh stim (my next cycle) before the end of the year then I will be happy.

At the moment I am thinking I will hold off until around October but I guess we will just see how it goes...

Keep on Truckin'

2008-07-24T14:38:00.003+10:00

I am here, feeling a bit sore and sorry for myself.

I underwent my hysteroscopy yesterday and all appeared normal. My FS also expects my endometrial biopsy to come back normal. I learnt nothing new except that I have a large cavity. So there isn't anything new that has popped up which could be effecting implantation.

Our karyotype results are also in and indicate that we are both genetically normal.

The majority of my immune tests are also in and are also normal.

So what happens next?

I guess we just keep trying...

Poke-a-thon Cycle

2008-07-15T18:01:00.002+10:00

I hate these cycles. Boring holding patterns where you are forced to take a rest, break or in this case undergo more invasive and expensive tests.

8 days to go until my hysteroscopy. I very much doubt I will have anything to say in the meantime.

Best of luck to everyone cycling :)

Protocol, Protocol, Protocol...

2008-07-03T21:03:00.005+10:00

Although I have quite a bit of time up my sleeve to make a decision I'm already driving myself a little crazy as to what part of the next step will be based on a few suggestions made by my new FS.

Here are the possible alternatives based on the assumption that genetic abnormalities might be playing a role in my recurrent implantation failure:

Do straight ICSI again. Last stim yielded 15 eggs with 14 fertilising and 11 making it to day 2 suitable for freezing. We would transfer x2 day 2 embies again but grow the rest to Blast before freezing. My embryos have never been grown and transferred beyond the 8 cell stage and research indicates that 'most' genetically abnormal embies fail to make it past 8 cells. It would be interesting to see how many make it.

IVF-ICSI Split. It is not possible to detect beforehand which eggs or sperm have chromosomal abnormalities, and gametes that might not have been able to participate in natural fertilisation could therefore be used in ICSI (evehealth.com.au). Due to the "possibility" that we inadvertently created a large number of genetically abnormal embryos half IVF would reduce this risk and also allow us the opportunity to see if David's sperm is capable of fertilising my eggs. Depending on egg numbers we would be risking lower fertilisation rates and perhaps not have any or many to risk going to day 5 with for freezing.

Straight IVF. For reasons stated above although we may risk a zero fertilisation rate with nothing to transfer as we don't even know if David's sperm is capable of penetrating and fertilising my eggs.

So, any thoughts? At the moment I am contemplating going with option one and if still no luck going with option two when we stim again.

Prison Stripes

2008-07-02T23:17:00.009+10:00

I was having a sleep in and was rudely awoken by a few unrecognisable booming voices at the front door. I heard David let the intruders in. I started panicking thinking they were pretending to want to use the phone or were after a cup of sugar and would pull out a knife. My instinct was to hide under the doona and hope I didn't leave an obvious body lump.

After an eternity it went quiet and I heard the front door close. David peeked into the bedroom to see if I was awake and giggled.

Two Detectives from the big smoke claimed, "we are here to talk to you about the burglary you committed David". After many accusations, questions and searching of our house and garage they asked, "so what do you do for a living". David answered, "I work in Security Printing. The company makes credit cards, cheque books and other secure documents". They replied, "oh ok... Hang on what was that?"

It turns out that David's fingerprint was found at the scene of the crime. The burglars had rifled through the office and when dusting for finger prints they lifted one off a cheque book. A cheque book that David had made.

One of the detectives said "well, we just wasted our fucking time" and the other joked, "you are lucky I didn't back hand you at the front door". I'm sure David's smug confidence, "nah it wasn't me", pissed them off when they were certain they had him.

David's fingerprints are only on the system because he has his Gaming License. He were assured that his record would be updated to say that he works in the Security Printing industry. I find it all quite funny but am also glad I wasn't out of bed when it all took place.

What's To Come

2008-07-01T17:48:00.006+10:00

I had my appointment with my new Fertility Specialist today. First up she asked why I was changing Doctors and I said simply that I had had 7 transfers and he hadn't turned up to any of them so I would like to see someone who knows who I am. She turned to her computer and chuckled and left it at that.

My old FS hadn't sent my file over yet so she had no idea what our history entailed. I gave her a run down of our background to which she interrupted, "what is your occupation?" Confused and embarrassed I had to answer that I was just a full-time student working casually in retail. She answered "oh, I thought you must of had a medical background". I explained that 6 years TTC and IVF being a last resort had given me plenty of time to do lots of research. I was only going through our medical conditions and previous treatments but perhaps it was the way I gushed our history out confidently without taking a breath.

She has booked me in for a Hysteroscopy and Endometrial Biopsy for 3 weeks time. I wasn't fully prepared for more of that but I guess we need to reassess everything that may be hindering implantation. David and I also had blood taken for genetics and immunology testing. I didn't need to request this thank goodness but it took until the end of the appointment for her to get around to it so it was on the tip of my tongue the whole time.

I asked about taking our next batch of embies to blast as I was curious as to what they did beyond day 3. She said that she would prefer to transfer 2 fresh day 2 embies as that is where their success mainly layed but would then grow the/any remaining embies to day 5 for freezing. I am happy with that. I just need to do some weeding out this time so it doesn't take me a year again to get through one pick up.

The out of pocket costs for my Hysteroscopy/Biopsy/Genetic/Immune testing is going to cost me more than an IVF cycle so I'm not sure when I will be able to stim again. I could increase the limit on our medical credit card but we are in so much debt from all of this already that it is overwhelming.

A few other things she threw up in the air were the options of straight IVF or half IVF/ICSI to reduce the risk that our embies were genetically abnormal. She also briefly mentioned PGD. I don't think I could ever afford to add PGD on top and at this stage don't believe I have any indication for needing it so am not really willing to explore that option at the moment. The thought of having poor fertilisation through IVF also scares me so I think I will do straight ICSI when we stim again.

I am in such a better place when I am taking a break from IVF that sometimes I think about dumping it all and running for the hills but I can't get pregnant as a 19-25 year old and my fertility isn't getting any better so a year or two off may be good for me psychologically but what about the rest...

"Me" Time

2008-06-24T15:32:00.008+10:00

Today marked the end of my university exams for this semester - no more exams now until November - yes!!! This semester I found it hard to find a balance between work, university and IVF. My focus didn't seem to be on school that is for sure. I usually open my exam papers and breathe a sigh of relief - I know this - this time round however I didn't feel quite as confident at the questions that stared back at me. I missed many classes due to IVF appointments and allowed work to roster me on 5-6 days per week when I am supposed to be a full-time student. Yes I need to income now to pay for IVF but I also need the future income that my degree will bring me. Work is in the process of recruitment a new casual so at least for the rest of the my time with them my hours will be reduced allowing me more time to spend studying and relaxing more during the 2WW - throw in a holiday and I will be pregnant in no time :D

After all that babbling I wish to announce that I am the proud new owner of Alan Beer's book 'Is Your Body Baby-Friendly?' I just picked it up from the bookstore and am about to become engrossed in its new book smelly goodness. http://repro-med.net/

Only one week til we meet up with our new FS. All I ask is for bloodwork for recurrent implantation/ivf failure and then a blast cycle. Hopefully she suggests this before I do and all I have to do is sit there nodding my head through the appointment. Where did that young, 20's, supposedly easy to impregnate case go that my past specialists liked to talk about? We will get you pregnant in no time hey? Do I get my money back?

B.O.R.I.N.G

2008-06-16T23:16:00.006+10:00

Just in case there is still anyone reading this blog no news is not good news. My last 2 embies didn't even attempt to implant.

The majority of Bloggers I started doing IVF with a year ago are now pregnant or have given birth. I am still here a loser at the start line. In fact, I think I actually went around the board backwards a few times just to land back on GO.

I see my new Fertility Specialist in 2 weeks so I am kind of in a holding pattern til then.

The End is Nigh

2008-05-26T16:37:00.003+10:00

I'd like to start off by saying HIP HIP HOORAY cycle #1 is finally over. All 11 embies have now been transferred. So yes, by some miracle embies #10 & #11 both survived the thaw and continued to divide.

My FS didn't turn up to the transfer giving him a total of attending 0/7. I have definitely made the right decision in ditching him. I was chatting to the FS who filled in today telling her that we were jumping all morning whenever the phone would ring as we thought it was the clinic saying we had nothing to transfer.

The FS said that having 10/10 survive the thaw was almost unheard of and that if this cycle didn't work the next step after transferring 11 embies would be a big round of bloodtest for recurrent implantation failure. I said that my current FS wasn't interested in doing further investigations so I was switching to Dr. X and she said that I will be happy with Dr. X as she is very thorough.

So I have a plan I couldn't be happier with. A new FS, further tests and then growing to blast.

I am a little worried though. Textbook cycles and perfect embies didn't get me pregnant this time around so what if all the tests come back normal? I guess then I am just back to playing the numbers game but will hopefully get there quicker only transferring blasts.

CD12 Scan

2008-05-22T20:32:00.003+10:00

My scan went well today, lining at 12mm and dominant follie at 20mm. I was sent home to trigger and transfer #7 will be on Monday if embies #10 & #11 survive the thaw.

David is taking our plans to treat this as an OI cycle just in case we have nothing to transfer very seriously. He keeps saying how "getting pregnant by having sex sounds like a great idea" and after todays attempt he yelled "go babies go!" and "quick stand on your head!".

Rather than care about getting pregnant naturally I think he is just keen on not spending anymore $$$ than we already have on AC!!! Oh the holidays that we could have been on with all that money...

Feather Our Nests

2008-05-19T16:22:00.002+10:00

Well it's CD9 and I'm jabbing away like an old (ass)hat until my CD12 follie scan. Our last 2 embies will then be thawed and transferred if either survive - I'm not holding my breath though.

I am however sitting here contemplating the term "clucky". Should I be "clucky" after 6 years trying to conceive including a few operations and years of assisted conception? Is it weird that I'm not? Do people IRL expect me to be with all I am going through to achieve a pregnancy?

I remember the fresh, younger, innocent me would get a rush from pregnancy announcements, baby bumps and newborns. I have now detached myself from these situations so completely that they barely register on my radar.

I do not and can not race to the maternity ward for a whiff of fresh baby smell and a first cuddle. I do not visit my friends to spend time with their children or to talk about them during the entirety of the visit.

Do not thrust your baby at me expecting me to be all goo-gaa over them just because I want my own so badly. If I want to hold your baby I will ask. I'm not waiting for an invitation. Holding a baby does not fill the void or give me hope or whatever it is you are expecting.

Hmmm... from this vent it seems that I have lost much more than just my clucky mojo.

Blah...

2008-05-11T21:31:00.009+10:00

I had my bloodtest on Friday and got a call from a clinic Nurse with the results. "Have you had a bleed yet? No? Well your test came back negative. Nothing. Not even a hint that anything happened at all." Thank goodness I wasn't holding on to any hope. Way to crush someone that was though.

Although I felt that this cycle was hopeless from the beginning I still can't help but feel guilty that I didn't give this cycle my all. Yes I did acupuncture pre and post transfer but I really did abuse my body in other ways. I posted earlier how I lost my beloved laptop and large assignments that were contained in it. That week I had x3 3,ooo word assignments due and starting again with all the research and typing I pulled quite a few all nighters. My poor body didn't sleep for days and my diet was also lacking due to time constraints. How could a pregnancy survive through that?

To top it all off my period arrived today - Mothers Day - and that's all I have to say about that.

I will start stimming again on CD3 and thaw my last 2 embies. These embies are Grade 3's and the only other Grade 3 I've thawed did absolutely nothing over night. Rather than risk having nothing to transfer we are treating this cycle as an OI cycle and going hell for leather. David is very excited and likes the idea of that. When is the last time we had lots and lots of sex in the vain hope of procreation?

______________________________________

In more news, my new FS of choice isn't taking any new patients for the rest of the year so I freaked out a little over that. I have made an appointment for a different new FS for the 1st July. By then I will be frostie free. Before cycling with her I will be requesting recurrent implantation failure testing - immunology, karyotyping, etc. I think that's reasonable after nothing with 11 embies.

I was originally excited having 10 frosties but transferring 1 or 2 embies at a time has taken me a year which is such a waste of time and money when it isn't the right batch. I will without a doubt be growing the next batch to blast to weed out and see what they do between days 3-5. I have realised that less is more in my case.

I do have my reservations about my new FS though. Out of all the FS at my clinic she has the least amount of experience and does quite a bit of "fill in" work for other FS's. Through this she has gained a bit of a reputation for being a little rough at transfers and u/s's and for being a little abrupt and insensitive when delivering bad news to those who are not her patients. Her patients seem to love her though.

She did my first transfer which is the only one which has resulted in a BFP. I have to give her points for that although she was very rough. 5 transfers with 5 different FS's later and I didn't feel a thing. It was however a fresh transfer she did 2 days past EPU so perhaps it was due to the tenderness etc. from that?

Anyway, I guess I'll just see what type of feeling I get off her at my first appointment in July. In the meantime I will keep you updated about the last FET/OI cycle here as I can not for the life of me figure out how to use Wordpress!!!

Today

2008-05-05T15:58:00.004+10:00

I have been umming and ahhing about whether to post this but I already feel like this blog lacks too much insight as to what I am really going through as I do not want to appear to be a basket case unleashing my true feelings. However, depression often plays a large role in infertility and even if I do come across that way what's the big deal? How does it also really effect me if people I don't know in real life want to label me as jealous, angry and the infamous 'bitter and twister' card? From now on I pledge to be true to myself with all my future blog entries :D

The closest I have ever come to achieving my dreams was when I got my positive BETA with my first fresh transfer. It didn't look good from the start with a lower than desirable level and ended at 5wk2ds.

When those magical two lines were appearing of course I calculated my EDD. It was the 5th May 2008. Bootie should be here with us today.

And yet now, 5 transfers and 8 embryos later with not even a hint of implantation I have to wonder what if it was just a fluke? Will I ever experience 2 lines again? Will I ever carry a pregnancy to term? Will I ever have a live birth with a take home baby?

What more do I have to do to achieve my dream as I am running out of steam...

Oh Dear...

2008-04-28T22:42:00.007+10:00

I may be a bit quiet in Blogland for a little while. Very late last night whilst I was finishing off my 3000 word law assignment I knocked my coffee all over my laptop. It's fried, gone forever. I also manged to ruin my law textbook that I had just spent $100 on. Unfortunately my 3000 word essay was due today so I had to stay up all night redoing it on our old, slow PC. Of course I didn't have it backed up anywhere so I had to be a machine on no sleep researching and pumping out 15 pages of text.

I don't even want to begin to think about what else I had on that laptop that I will never get back. So if I don't post too often I am doing OK and I apologise that I wont be able to get around much to leave others blog comments. With IVF hanging over our heads there is no way I am going out and buying a new laptop.

I guess whilst I am here I should also further explain why I was so upset after transfer with losing an embie even though I still have a small chance with one on board. At my clinic the maternity floor is one level below reproductive services. At least one elevator ride each visit is with a pregnant woman in labour, about to be induced, etc. This time when we were leaving the hospital we exited the elevator and a herd of heavily pregnant woman came barging at us from all directions. David and I lost each other amongst the bumps and were speechless. They may as well have screamed "move out the way you stupid infertile freaks!"

As well as referring to embryos as eggs, my acupuncturist also pulled out a few more doozies at my post-transfer treatment. They offer after hours appointments as they claim to specialise in fertility and IVF. Why would she then bring her toddler to my session? No even discreetly either as well as harping on about another Practitioner who is suffering from new born baby brain.

I just want to be wrapped in cotton wool and left alone.

Numero Sei

2008-04-26T15:40:00.006+10:00

Before beginning IVF I was doing weekly acupuncture and Chinese herbs and praying for a natural miracle. Financially I had to give this up in place of IVF but desperate times call for desperate measures and I decided this cycle I would try something new. So for the first time I combined IVF with acupuncture. I told them I could only afford 2 sessions and they said the most important were the night before transfer and the night of transfer. So off I toddled.

I must say for a clinic specialising in fertility and for a Dr. of Chinese Medicine completing her Masters in Gynaecology and Obstetrics to be using the term egg in place of embryo was questionable. "How may eggs will you be transferring?" "How old did you grow your eggs?" My confidence in her abilities has sadly decreased.

So, embies #8 and #9 have now been shot up the hatch. I had x1 Grade 2 embies left and x3 Grade 3. The Grade 2 embie thawed and gained 3 extra cells bringing it to 7 cells whilst the crappy Grade 3 did nothing at all. Both were transferred anyway. I don't have much hope for this cycle. I wanted to cry and whilst David took out his phone to take a photo of the embies I told him not to bother. If my textbook perfect cycles didn't work out why should this one?

We have 2 frozen mates of the stubborn one left and if they are anything like their sibling they probably wont survive the thaw or continue to divide. Out of a batch of 11 embryos that started off so well with a biochemical pregnancy at the first transfer it looks like they were all duds. I can't believe this has happened. I am so sad.